10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing
or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors.
They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a
person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting
and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your
membership until you learn to master WD-40.
9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide
government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A
planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're
around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a
dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex
uniforms. Here s an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see
spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money
hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.
8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi,
stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but
usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the
technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its
10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing
stuff... "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing
backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned
reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just
whenever they put the juice to it.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone,
but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav
station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone
would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some futuristic restraining
device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second
(the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A
plastic thing that's
locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in
"Hey look! The leg-bars worked as
However, there goes Kirk's torso!"
6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various
consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less
over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the
for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship
store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop
an inter-galactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge
If you're going to put me in front of a fuse less exploding console
day, the least you could do is let me sit down.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the
show on TV last year:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until
you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"
4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down
to a planet. Which one isn' t coming back?
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved
the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power
through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the
space-time continuum, which created a Quantum tunneling effect that charged the
protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a
happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.
2. The Holodeck.
it's cool and all, but do you really believe that people would use it
re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we
know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the
job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegee the holodeck clean.
1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this?
Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth,
it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by
stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator?? Well, in the Star Trek
universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with
Roseanne look-alikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors
WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The