Kristy's Blog

Don’t let anyone tell you anything different, Burning Man is a cult. There is a uniform, a way of talking, specific language, and of course, the 10 principals. You can read the Ten Principals on the burningman.com website. I always get the feeling that the Burning Man organization would really like you to read these principals on your knees, burning incense and with a hushed sort of mental reverence.

I have my own rules which should be added to the Ten Principals. They seem to be followed to the letter:

The Burning Man Unwritten Principals

11. Uniform for Men (kilts) – Jeans? You Newbie. Sure, some people actually get creative and wear costumes or unusual but cool outfits, but if you’re a male and you want to make SURE you’re you won’t stick out like a sore thumb, wear a kilt.

12. Uniform for Women (dress your tits to impress and wear some combination of fur, tulle and raver boots) – Shorts and a T-shirt in the hot sun? You’re instantly branded an outsider. The uniform for women consists of wearing tutus, fur boot covers, sparkly bra tops, sparkly pasties or go topless at burning man. There are actually a lot of gorgeous half-nude female bodies at burning man. Unlike nude beaches or nudist farms, the people without clothes here actually look good.

13. DJs – Thou must worship at the feet of any DJ, no matter how terrible or uninspired they are. For you men, if you have a lap top, digitized music, a couple of amps and rudimentary lighting system (like a flashlight), you’re pretty much guaranteed to get laid if you get a chance to spin. For some reason, whether the motivations be laziness or instant gratification, modern-day burning man “musicians” can’t be bothered to learn a musical instrument. Mixing up, or just playing other people’s works seems to be all you need to be considered one of the “great ones”. I equate being a DJ to playing golf – you don’t need much skill in order to be half way decent.

14. The Universe and its Influence on the Event – Thou must put positive intentions out to the universe, talk about getting rid of negative energy, maintain that everything happens for a reason, or that you’ve manifested at least one item brought to burning man. Even if you don’t pay lip service to this kind of twaddle, you have to put up with this talk. You’ll hear it a lot. Among the more sensible burning man participants, talking like this or subscribing to these beliefs is called being “universey-woo-woo”. Don’t ask me how this terminology came into being, but if you’re ever stuck listening to this type of verbiage, it seems perfectly applicable.

15. All Art at Burning Man is good, as a matter of fact, it borders on the divine. – Burning man literally has art everywhere, some of it quite good and occasionally astounding. But some of it sucks. Criticizing art work at burning man will manifest an astounding amount of negative energy – directed at you. If you can’t bring yourself to praise a piece of work you see, making no comment at all is probably the best way to go.

16. Thou must at least pretend to be interested in burning man art. – Officially, burning man is about the art. Unofficially, it’s about getting laid, partying and dressing in crazy outfits. I understand that if you’re really hammered and/or you’re talking up a potential sexual conquest, art does seem to fade to the distant background. Use your feigned (if that’s all you can muster) or genuine interest in art to your advantage – a great excuse to get away from whatever dull circumstances you find yourself in is that “I want to go look at the art.” This will invariably be met with solemn nods of agreement that yes, you must continue on your sacred journey.

17. Art Cars – Thine measure of coolness depends on the number or art cars you’ve ridden on. A night-time activity of many participants seems to be “let’s get fucked up and ride on an art car.” There are usually about 250-300 art cars at the event, some of them able to take on 30+ revelers. All you need to do is ask if it’s ok and jump on. Most of the time you don’t even need to pay attention to whether or not you’re given verbal permission. Of course, if you actually OWN an art car at burning man, your coolness factor pretty much goes off the scale. Your chances of getting laid are so high, they can’t even be estimated.

18. Fire Makes Everything Interesting Even if you’re camping in your own backyard with Evangelical Christians, that campfire is still hypnotic. With a name like burning man, you would expect that fire is everything and you’d be right. Things get blown up and ignited with amazing frequency. Is your art project kind of douche-baggy? Throw a fire effect on it, and people will coo at it like it’s a newborn. There are numerous fire performers – fire spinners, fire eaters, fire hoopers. You better stifle that yawn even if you’ve already seen the same act 100 times before. Fire at burning man is ART. Amazement and reverence are mandatory.