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Entries Tagged as 'The Stupid Things People Do'

Genius Adventures at the Apple Store

July 13th, 2009 · 3 Comments

My friend Jay sent me this rant (actually he was alluding to it big time on Facebook):

Apple (Don’t go fuck yourself because we’ve already fucked you) Computer – Specifically the fucking Apple Brainwashed Monkeys that work in the Apple Store at the Florida Mall. Although I’ve seen them in every other Apple Store.

-deep breath-

I bought an iMac for my Chicago Apt last May instead of getting a TV. I needed something that would do it all. They upgraded me to the top of the line 24″ machine and to the wireless keyboard and mouse. I got the Eye TV tuner as well, paid thousands of dollars and hailed a cab to get the fucking thing home. Hooked it all up… Nice… It just worked. For about 2 weeks… then I started getting this error popup every time I booted up. ‘A USB Device is currently drawing too much power. The hub to which it is connected will be deactivated’. Ummm ok.. Do what you have to do… It didn’t appear to make any difference to the way things operated. So, this carried on and at the odd times that I actually rebooted the machine, I clicked through the error.

Fast forward to May (note the purchase time frame above-just past 1 year by 1 day). The error starts pooping up during normal use.. but this time-to make things extra special, the Bluetooth devices stop working. So… no mouse… no keyboard… Makes it pretty fucking difficult to use it… So… I would do a hard reboot… and then, sometimes it would be fine-other times not. I lived with this for a couple weeks as I had a wired mouse and could at least navigate at bit… then in June it got unbearable… Bluetooth would just disappear. Not there… I would have to physically unplug the machine for a time-the reboot it.

So I called Apple. The first person I spoke to wouldn’t go anywhere near my machine until I purchased the Apple Care service plan. Fine I said I would purchase the 3 year plan. OK great that will hundreds of dollars for 2 years of coverage. No-3 year plan. No you see you should have purchased it a year ago… we charge the same no matter when you buy it…. pay for 3 years get 2. I think this is fuckered and decline.

I call back and get someone else who-even though I don’t have the Apple Care plan proceeds to attempt to help me anyway-with a 15 minute limit…

‘Let’s see what we can do in that time’… Nothing as it turns out. But he is convinced it is software related and that if I purchase the plan we could do it and get it fixed. Again I express my concern that I’m paying for 3 years and only getting 2. Yep-that’s the way it is. So, I’m getting a little frustrated here and he says..

‘You know-if you take into the Apple Store they will probably fix it for you right then and there for nothing’. Really-Happy Dance.

So— after suffering through for another couple of weeks.. I pack the thing up (It’s Heavy) and head on down to the mall… Of course I have to lug it through half the mall to get to the Apple store where I’m met by.. Nobody. Too busy you see… On a Thursday… So I walk over to the ‘Genius Bar’ (Most self important fucking name ever). And I wait… And I wait.. Finally I say hey Kasper (his name but he could have been a ghost) I’ve got an appointment and my name is up on the display. Can you help me. His response: ‘You need to have a concierge check you in’. Fuck me is that all it takes… So I ask where is the concierge.. ‘They are the ones in the Orange T-shirts’… So I look around… Not a single fucking orange t-shirt to be seen…. I point this out to Kasper who gives the ‘you are an idiot’ sigh… and says OK-hold on…

And hold on I do.. Right to that fucking Genius Bar… not a genius or drink to be seen but still full of condescension and loathing… (note to file-WINE Bar is the way to go).

30 Minutes after my appointment we get started… haul it out and place it on the bar… Hook it up… and attach a wired mouse and keyboard… Oh-I point out that this is where things go wrong for me using wireless devices.. not to worry-he was wireless devices in the back… and off he goes… yep… for 15 minutes Kasper the Genius is in the back…I can see tons of wireless devices on the shelves but those wont cut it.. we need the ones labeled ‘Backup #1′ in black sharpie on duct tape… I realize they don’t sell label makers at the Apple Store.

So-as it turns out-and I suspected… wired devices… everything works… wireless things go to shit… He sees the problem. He understands…. he checks for a new Bluetooth Chip… in the back.. another 15 minutes away. I’m starting to understand now… just coincidence that breaks last 15 minutes as well, surely… Of course they don’t have the part… So— 90 minutes after my appointment time.. we order parts that should be there within 5 days…. and he suggests I buy a wired keyboard (which I do). We will call you when the parts come in. So I ask-when I do bring it back.. how long to repair it.. ‘1 or 2 days… we might even be able to repair it while you wait’. Great… Pack it up and carry that fucker back through the mall with my brand new $55 keyboard.

This past Friday they call and tell me leave me voice mail telling me the parts are in and that I can bring it back anytime before Thursday. No appointment necessary. Neat-o. I should point out now that at this point the error message is popping up multiple times-all the time-wired devices or not…

Tuesday morning I pack it up and head back down to the mall… Haul it and walk into the store looking for the elusive Concierge… and lo-and-behold.. there she is.. right behind the counter ringing up sales… seems in Appleland Concierge = CASHIER. So I wait… and I wait… Finally I throw out the ‘Excuse me can I check in please’…. ‘Ok just a minute’… So after just a couple minutes (I was expecting break time) she asks me what time my appointment was scheduled for. ‘I don’t have an appointment’. ‘Oh. You need an appointment and we can’t schedule those in the store. You have to do that online.’ I explain the situation and hand her my Apple Care Work Order… She reads, turns to me and says in the cutest, nicest, most-not my problem voice… ‘I’ve never seen one of these and don’t know what to do with it’. My response-as nice as can be-Perhaps someone in a Blue t-shirt will know… So off she goes looking for the Blue t-shirt.. (these are the Geniuses… at least that was what they were wearing the week before). One follows her back, speaks to me, takes my iMac and tells me to ‘Wait’.

So I wait… and wait… only about 10 minutes this time.. and there he is… walking back to me-iMac box in hand… could it be that they actually did the repair ‘while I waited’ as forewarned??? LOL Of course not.. the box was EMPTY! ‘We will call you when it is ready in 1 or 2 days’.

*sigh*

So I take my empty box out to the truck and head home confident that I will have it back soon.

Yesterday (day 2) I call the Apple store… and get Sandy on the phone. Very pleasant girl. She looks up my information… informs me that my parts are there… and that it will be 5-7 days unless I was told otherwise… Yippee Fucking Skippee… ‘I was in fact told it would be 1-2 days’. ‘Oh… and today is day 2′. Shes really good… She tells me that she will put my computer on the Bench and that the ‘Genius is scheduled to be in later that day’. Great. I’ll call back tomorrow.

So today is here… It’s Friday. I want my fucking computer back for the weekend. I was only planning on it being gone 1-2 days…

So I call… and here is where I loose it… I get Anthony on the phone.. ‘Yes I see your computer is here on the bench Mr. Pierre. But we have not had any Geniuses here all week to actually do any work. So I can’t tell you when it will be ready.’

‘What?’

‘Sorry sir, there were supposed to be here but they haven’t shown up. One of them might come in tomorrow but I can’t tell you for sure’.

‘Anthony-You are telling me then that you have no idea when your own staff is scheduled to work?’

‘No, he was scheduled to work yesterday but didn’t make it. He was scheduled to work today, but hasn’t shown up. He is supposed to work tomorrow too but I doubt he will be here.’

Fuck me… How do I get that gig!

‘You need to do better than that Anthony-come on…’

‘What do you want me to say? I don’t know.’

And there it was… in a fucking nut shell.. the most honest fucking answer you’re ever going to get from Apple. I don’t know.

I’m off to the mall-empty box in hand… in case they just throw the parts and computer at me and tell me to fix it myself…

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Tags: Geek Speak · On The Road · The Stupid Things People Do

Why Tivo Sucks

July 12th, 2009 · 13 Comments

A friend of mine sent me this email about the adventures he had with TIVO:

So I’m leaving some place yesterday and notice that I missed a call from my mother. Generally-this is not good. It means that there is something wrong. Not with any person.. but with some piece of technological mumbo jumbo that she can not spend ONE MORE MINUTE without it working/not working/blinking/not blinking/etc.. you get the picture I’m sure. She is the oldest person I know with the least amount of patience. She has Zero. Less than zero actually since she bitches about shit that is working that MIGHT break.

So.. I stare at the phone and my immediate thought is— Don’t talk on the phone while driving. It’s unsafe. This is of course just me trying to justify not calling her back. Of course the good son wins out and I dial.

Hey mom whats up?
Well, this is not a call about the computer.
Oh, that’s refreshing. Whats up?
I just got off the phone with Tivo.
Oh. Why is that?
Well you know that we have 2 Tivos.
Yes mom.
Well the one in Yuma (vacation home) is on Holiday status and they are not supposed to be billing me for it.
Yes mom.
But they are. And guess what else?
What?
They are billing me for all your Tivos too!!!!
No. They are not.
Well I’m looking on line and all your Tivos are listed right here in my account.
They are all on my account that is true-but your credit card is on your machines and mine is on mine. Check it out.
OK.. well shoot… The stupid thing just shut down…
You mean you closed the browser window?
YESSSS that is what I mean… just a minute…
Hey mom-you do all that checking and I’ll call you when I get home.
You know that they are giving me a free month of service.
Cool.. hey can I….
And they reduced the monthly fee on one of your machines from $12.95 to $9.95 (warning bells sound)
Uh.. they shouldn’t have done that…
Well they did… She was very nice
OK-Can I call you back in awhile.
Fine.
Goodbye

So home I get… I do some other things and remember that I’m supposed to check out the Tivo account. So that is what I do… I sit down (not at MY computer of course.. that one is in the hands of the fucking AppleJack Kids) and go to Tivo.com and login…. oh wait… ATTEMPT to login… password or login id are invalid. Strange… try again with one of the 3 possible passwords it must be. I don’t log in much so it could be an older one… nothing… hit the forgotten password link.. stick in the email address and guess what… Nothing… No record… OK, Well I did change my main email addy a couple of months back.. try the old one.. Nothing. Hmmm Strange.. So I do what every tech minded person in the world hates to do.. I pick up the fucking telephone…

Get some chica on the phone and explain to her that I just spoke to my mother.. blah, blah, and that I can no longer get into my account.

OK Sir, what is your home telephone number
407-555-1212
Hmm… ok, I don’t see that here… could it be under another number.
No. Oh wait… try this one… 509-555-1212. This is my mother’s number.
Oh so this account is under your mother’s name?
No, it is under my name.
Do you have her address?
Yes it is …..
OK, that is correct-I really can’t talk to you about this account since it’s not under your name.
Well you see chica-that’s the problem. Up until a few hours ago it was under my name. Can you see any ownership history for the units?
Yes
Fine-check the history on unit 999-9999-999-0999
And what is your name again?
Lucky Pierre.
What is your home telephone number
407-555-1212.
And your address?
9999 go fuck yourself court, orlando fl 12355
Ok. what can I do for you?
*sigh*

Well.. as I stated before… this account is MINE and it needs to reflect that. Whatever happened earlier was a mistake and you need to revert this all back the way it was OR you need to properly split out the accounts. Which works best for you?
Hmmmm….. well I can’t do that… but our advanced customer care can… Let me note the account and generate a case number for you. One second while I put you on hold.
Ok, thanks… (Fucking hold music is saying things like… Do you remember when your mother told you to get a good deal? Well TIVO is that deal! NO LIE…)
OK sir.. your case number is 888899989 and I’m transferring you know.
Wait-can you give me the number to advanced care in case we get disconnected.
No. Just call back in and use your case number (like a sword or something)
OK thanks
< > (meanwhile my mother is texting me: This is not MY fault.)

Hello this is Matt how can I help you.
Hello Matt, this is Lucky Pierre.
Do you have a case number Mr. Pierre
sure it is 888899989
OK, thanks… let me pull this up.
What is your home telephone number
*sigh*
Sure its 509-555-1212 but that is my mother’s number
Uh, ok… what’s her name.
Do you have the case-you should just read it first.
OK, do you mind if I put you on hold?
Go right ahead…

Uh hello sir?
Yes.
I’m terribly sorry about this. There really is no way this can happen?
Excuse me?
Well I’m reading in the case that these were all under your name but now they are under your mother’s name.
Yes, that is the issue.
But this shouldn’t happen. Are you sure you didn’t call in and request this change yourself?
I’m sure Matt.
But we verify all account holders.
Not this time Matt.
Well I’ll need to see how this happened. I need to call my supervisor.
No. No Matt you don’t. You need to FIX THIS PROBLEM. Call your supervisors, call your god, call your mother. Call the person who is going to FIX IT. I’ve been on the phone for 40 minutes with you guys.
Well, I understand your frustration. This really shouldn’t have happened.
Shouldn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t but it DID. Lets fix the problem and not the blame shall we?
OK, well I can try to unwind this… can I put you on hold.
Sure Matt, whatever it takes.

Hello Sir?
Yes Matt.
I won’t be able to put this back. Best I can do is to create two separate accounts.
That will be fine. Here are the service tags for my machines…
Ok, so that is the bottom three. Got it. What is your name?
Lucky Pierre
And your address?
Don’t you still have all this.
No sir. You don’t exist in our system any longer. We just had your previous phone number listed on your mother’s account.
So, Matt-what you are telling me is that my mother called in with a billing question, played her old lady card, and somehow you guys to not only gave her a free month of service BUT CREATED a brand new account for her with all of my equipment. She didn’t have an account before today. You all just did it.
Yes sir, that is what shouldn’t have happened.
Incredible. I know my mother didn’t ask for this-she was quite happy with everything being under my name.
I’m sorry Mr. Pierre. What is your address.

So we go thru and he takes all of my information…
Ok, can I place you on hold.
Why not Matt…
(I know have to switch to my 3rd and final handset because the batteries died on the other two).
<15 more minutes of hold music>
Hello sir.
Yes,
Well I got the first machine switched into your new account. I’ll still have to do the other 2.
Great. Hey Matt do you mind if I eat my dinner that I prepared while we were on the phone? I don’t want to be rude.
Uh, no. Can I put you on hold while I switch the other machines.
Please.

So 10 minutes later…

Hello sir?
Yes Matt, I’m still here.
I’ve got everything switched over.. Your three boxes are on your account and your mothers two are on her account.
Brilliant! Thanks Matt.
I’m very sorry that this happened. It really shouldn’t have.
Yea yea, I got that.. So.. you all were eager to give my mother a month of free service for a minor billing dispute. What can I expect for the last two hours of my time and your co-worker deleting my account without any authorization.

Matt are you still with me.
Yes sir. I can’t give you anything.
Oh come now Matt… I’m sure you can come up with something.
Well, do you have a wireless network adapter?
No, I don’t but I don’t really need one. I’ve already networked my machines.
Oh, well That is a $60 value and I can’t give you one of those anyway.
Ok, what else you got. I’d be happy with a month of service.
Well I can’t really do that, you see your account and all the changes are in a supervisor queue for quality control. It’s not actually created yet. So I can’t add a credit to an account that doesn’t exist.
Oh, I see. So I’m still not really real in the Tivo world yet.
That is correct.
So when might this all be resolved then?
In a day or so.
Ok…. well back to compensation… 2 hours of my time is worth something surely.
Do you want a wireless network adapter?
Sure

That will ship tomorrow no charge.
Is there anything I can do for you today Mr. Pierre?
No Matt thanks. Have a nice night.

While composing this today, I get an email from my mother who, has checked our accounts and all is good except that one of my Tivos is still on her account.

So I call them back… use the case number from last night, explain the situation, get thru the validation process… get to the part where we are transferring the one box to my account…. Kathy at tivo says the word ‘Merge’ and I stop her… We are not merging we are moving… she says its ok…. *poof* She asks me to check the account online… and just like magic… I have 5 tivos and my mother’s account is gone… The disappearing Customer Trick is getting pretty easy for them!

5-7 business days or until they fix their merge/move software-whichever happens first.

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Tags: The Stupid Things People Do