My friend Jay sent me this rant (actually he was alluding to it big time on Facebook):
Apple (Don’t go fuck yourself because we’ve already fucked you) Computer – Specifically the fucking Apple Brainwashed Monkeys that work in the Apple Store at the Florida Mall. Although I’ve seen them in every other Apple Store.
-deep breath-
I bought an iMac for my Chicago Apt last May instead of getting a TV. I needed something that would do it all. They upgraded me to the top of the line 24″ machine and to the wireless keyboard and mouse. I got the Eye TV tuner as well, paid thousands of dollars and hailed a cab to get the fucking thing home. Hooked it all up… Nice… It just worked. For about 2 weeks… then I started getting this error popup every time I booted up. ‘A USB Device is currently drawing too much power. The hub to which it is connected will be deactivated’. Ummm ok.. Do what you have to do… It didn’t appear to make any difference to the way things operated. So, this carried on and at the odd times that I actually rebooted the machine, I clicked through the error.
Fast forward to May (note the purchase time frame above-just past 1 year by 1 day). The error starts pooping up during normal use.. but this time-to make things extra special, the Bluetooth devices stop working. So… no mouse… no keyboard… Makes it pretty fucking difficult to use it… So… I would do a hard reboot… and then, sometimes it would be fine-other times not. I lived with this for a couple weeks as I had a wired mouse and could at least navigate at bit… then in June it got unbearable… Bluetooth would just disappear. Not there… I would have to physically unplug the machine for a time-the reboot it.
So I called Apple. The first person I spoke to wouldn’t go anywhere near my machine until I purchased the Apple Care service plan. Fine I said I would purchase the 3 year plan. OK great that will hundreds of dollars for 2 years of coverage. No-3 year plan. No you see you should have purchased it a year ago… we charge the same no matter when you buy it…. pay for 3 years get 2. I think this is fuckered and decline.
I call back and get someone else who-even though I don’t have the Apple Care plan proceeds to attempt to help me anyway-with a 15 minute limit…
‘Let’s see what we can do in that time’… Nothing as it turns out. But he is convinced it is software related and that if I purchase the plan we could do it and get it fixed. Again I express my concern that I’m paying for 3 years and only getting 2. Yep-that’s the way it is. So, I’m getting a little frustrated here and he says..
‘You know-if you take into the Apple Store they will probably fix it for you right then and there for nothing’. Really-Happy Dance.
So— after suffering through for another couple of weeks.. I pack the thing up (It’s Heavy) and head on down to the mall… Of course I have to lug it through half the mall to get to the Apple store where I’m met by.. Nobody. Too busy you see… On a Thursday… So I walk over to the ‘Genius Bar’ (Most self important fucking name ever). And I wait… And I wait.. Finally I say hey Kasper (his name but he could have been a ghost) I’ve got an appointment and my name is up on the display. Can you help me. His response: ‘You need to have a concierge check you in’. Fuck me is that all it takes… So I ask where is the concierge.. ‘They are the ones in the Orange T-shirts’… So I look around… Not a single fucking orange t-shirt to be seen…. I point this out to Kasper who gives the ‘you are an idiot’ sigh… and says OK-hold on…
And hold on I do.. Right to that fucking Genius Bar… not a genius or drink to be seen but still full of condescension and loathing… (note to file-WINE Bar is the way to go).
30 Minutes after my appointment we get started… haul it out and place it on the bar… Hook it up… and attach a wired mouse and keyboard… Oh-I point out that this is where things go wrong for me using wireless devices.. not to worry-he was wireless devices in the back… and off he goes… yep… for 15 minutes Kasper the Genius is in the back…I can see tons of wireless devices on the shelves but those wont cut it.. we need the ones labeled ‘Backup #1′ in black sharpie on duct tape… I realize they don’t sell label makers at the Apple Store.
So-as it turns out-and I suspected… wired devices… everything works… wireless things go to shit… He sees the problem. He understands…. he checks for a new Bluetooth Chip… in the back.. another 15 minutes away. I’m starting to understand now… just coincidence that breaks last 15 minutes as well, surely… Of course they don’t have the part… So— 90 minutes after my appointment time.. we order parts that should be there within 5 days…. and he suggests I buy a wired keyboard (which I do). We will call you when the parts come in. So I ask-when I do bring it back.. how long to repair it.. ‘1 or 2 days… we might even be able to repair it while you wait’. Great… Pack it up and carry that fucker back through the mall with my brand new $55 keyboard.
This past Friday they call and tell me leave me voice mail telling me the parts are in and that I can bring it back anytime before Thursday. No appointment necessary. Neat-o. I should point out now that at this point the error message is popping up multiple times-all the time-wired devices or not…
Tuesday morning I pack it up and head back down to the mall… Haul it and walk into the store looking for the elusive Concierge… and lo-and-behold.. there she is.. right behind the counter ringing up sales… seems in Appleland Concierge = CASHIER. So I wait… and I wait… Finally I throw out the ‘Excuse me can I check in please’…. ‘Ok just a minute’… So after just a couple minutes (I was expecting break time) she asks me what time my appointment was scheduled for. ‘I don’t have an appointment’. ‘Oh. You need an appointment and we can’t schedule those in the store. You have to do that online.’ I explain the situation and hand her my Apple Care Work Order… She reads, turns to me and says in the cutest, nicest, most-not my problem voice… ‘I’ve never seen one of these and don’t know what to do with it’. My response-as nice as can be-Perhaps someone in a Blue t-shirt will know… So off she goes looking for the Blue t-shirt.. (these are the Geniuses… at least that was what they were wearing the week before). One follows her back, speaks to me, takes my iMac and tells me to ‘Wait’.
So I wait… and wait… only about 10 minutes this time.. and there he is… walking back to me-iMac box in hand… could it be that they actually did the repair ‘while I waited’ as forewarned??? LOL Of course not.. the box was EMPTY! ‘We will call you when it is ready in 1 or 2 days’.
*sigh*
So I take my empty box out to the truck and head home confident that I will have it back soon.
Yesterday (day 2) I call the Apple store… and get Sandy on the phone. Very pleasant girl. She looks up my information… informs me that my parts are there… and that it will be 5-7 days unless I was told otherwise… Yippee Fucking Skippee… ‘I was in fact told it would be 1-2 days’. ‘Oh… and today is day 2′. Shes really good… She tells me that she will put my computer on the Bench and that the ‘Genius is scheduled to be in later that day’. Great. I’ll call back tomorrow.
So today is here… It’s Friday. I want my fucking computer back for the weekend. I was only planning on it being gone 1-2 days…
So I call… and here is where I loose it… I get Anthony on the phone.. ‘Yes I see your computer is here on the bench Mr. Pierre. But we have not had any Geniuses here all week to actually do any work. So I can’t tell you when it will be ready.’
‘What?’
‘Sorry sir, there were supposed to be here but they haven’t shown up. One of them might come in tomorrow but I can’t tell you for sure’.
‘Anthony-You are telling me then that you have no idea when your own staff is scheduled to work?’
‘No, he was scheduled to work yesterday but didn’t make it. He was scheduled to work today, but hasn’t shown up. He is supposed to work tomorrow too but I doubt he will be here.’
Fuck me… How do I get that gig!
‘You need to do better than that Anthony-come on…’
‘What do you want me to say? I don’t know.’
And there it was… in a fucking nut shell.. the most honest fucking answer you’re ever going to get from Apple. I don’t know.
I’m off to the mall-empty box in hand… in case they just throw the parts and computer at me and tell me to fix it myself…
